Schwarzcicles
by Kasey
Summary: Schwarz goes on a business trip to Fairbanks, Alaska... What more can be said? Schwarz strikes and gets struck back!


Another strange and wayward tale of Schwarz adventures, put to page by yours truely.   
  
Don't stone me until *after* you've read it, please?   
  
---   
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the pictures in my head. I do not own Alaska. I do not own the airport. I do not own Snoopy or the Red Baron. My RL friend, Mouse, inspired certain... voices, in me (in my head, actually). This isn't her fault, either.   
  
Warning: In simple terms: OOC!!! This fic is purely for the humor factor. Not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. Shonein-ai hints in the direction of Brad+Nagi, and some strange combination of Schu and Farf. The "Alaskan man" referred to is modelled after my 8th grade science teacher. My excuse for this fic is that my brain was frozen during the February cold snap.   
  
Author: Kasey   
  
Archive: Not unless I send it to you.   
  
Status: Complete, self-edited.   
  
Key: /italics/ and *emphasis*   
  
---   
  
"Schwarz-cicles"   
  
---   
  
"What the *Hell* do you mean, *Alaska*?!"   
  
Brad quietly sipped at his coffee, ignoring Schuldich's wailing.   
  
"*Alaska*?! It's *January*, Brad! January!! We'll freeze! Can you imagine that? Huh, Brad? *Frozen Schuldich*!! Ding, ding, here comes the ice-cream man... drumsticks, frozen yogurt, and Schuldich-cicles!! Why the Hell are we going to *Alaska*?!"   
  
Brad flipped to the next page of his newspaper, biting into a piece of buttered toast. Farfarello strolled into the kitchen, casually discarding a torn straight-jacket. "Schuldich-on-a-stick?" he asked.   
  
Schuldich grasped Farfarello by the shoulders, and stared wildly into his eyes. "Did you hear that, Farf? We're going to Alaska! We'll all be frozen like freeze-dried green beans! It's all ice and snow! COLD!!"   
  
"We *all* heard you," Nagi grumbled, wiping sleep from his eyes and yawning as he entered the kitchen. "What's the big deal?"   
  
Schuldich's teal eyes widened, and Nagi moved out of the way just in time to avoid the full blast of the next stage of Schuldich's ranting.   
  
"Nobody understands me!! All I want is warmth--a nice warm house to live in. So, I have to kill a few insignificant people in the name of Estet and Our Cause and blah blah blah... But I did *not* agree to go to Alaska! No! Nyet! Non! Nada, nix, *not happening*!!"   
  
Nagi slumped in a chair next to Brad. "What is he yelling about?" Nagi asked slowly, still trying to blink away sleep.   
  
Farfarello speared a banana with a butter knife. "Schuldich-on-a-stick sounds good," he mused, peeling the fruit.   
  
Brad folded the newspaper he had been reading with a sigh. "Estet called--we are going to Alaska to pick up a talisman that they require."   
  
Nagi stole the last sip of coffee from Brad's mug. "Talisman? Why don't they send anybody closer?"   
  
"The talisman is kept by a man in Fairbanks, Alaska. When you look at the geography..." Brad glared at his empty coffee mug. "Schuldich, stop talking and make another pot of coffee."   
  
"...Realize how much cold-weather gear costs, at this time of year? I'll need a coat, new pants, good boots... a hat!! My hair! Cold weather *ruins* hair! It dries it out, and I'll get split ends... what was that, Braddy?"   
  
Brad glared. "That's *Crawford*, Schuldich," Brad hissed. "Make a pot of coffee." Schuldich huffed, but did as he was told. Brad turned back to Nagi, who was hastily trying to brush crumbs off of his shirt. Brad glanced at his plate, and saw only half of a piece of buttered toast.   
  
"As I was saying," Brad continued, watching Nagi's innocent expression suspiciously, "When you compare the geography from here to Fairbanks, we *are* the closest branch of Estet."   
  
"And we get to play fetch?" Farfarello asked around a mouthful of banana.   
  
"Exactly," Brad replied, picking up the last of his toast and holding on to it. Nagi pouted momentarily before abandoning the table--and Brad's breakfast--to search through the refrigerator.   
  
---   
  
"Cold."   
  
"Shut up."   
  
"Cold."   
  
"Shut up."   
  
"Cold."   
  
"Crawford!! Tell him to shut up!!"   
  
"Cold."   
  
"Schuldich, shut up."   
  
"Cold."   
  
"I don't see what's wrong with you guys," Farfarello shrugged, waving his arms around him. "It's refreshing!"   
  
Schuldich glared at the Irishman, who was wearing his regular daily attire despite the fact that the temperature read zero degrees Fahrenheit. He pulled his thick, fur-lined parka tighter around him, and tried to bury his nose in the parka's collar. "Cold," he complained.   
  
Brad and Nagi were wearing similar parkas, though they were less inclined to complain about the weather. Brad was speaking to a contact in Anchorage, trying to figure out where their helicopter was, and Nagi was becoming annoyed with Schuldich's constant whining.   
  
"Look, it's cold out!" Nagi hissed. "I know that! You know that! We all know that! And we can't *change* the weather just because *you* think it's too cold out!" He huffed and pulled at his mittens, standing closer to Brad.   
  
Schuldich shivered and ignored the telekinetic. "Cold."   
  
Brad sighed, hanging up the phone. "The helicopter is almost here. It's going to be a long flight to the cabin. Can you all shut up for, say, forty minutes?"   
  
"That depends," Farfarello said, sticking his arms into a three-foot deep snow bank.   
  
Brad frowned. "How so?"   
  
Farfarello tilted his head. "Can I throw a snowball at Schuldich?"   
  
Brad and Nagi rolled their eyes as the affronted telepath objected to Farfarello's request.   
  
"Are you kidding? A snowball? Don't you dare throw that at me. No! Don't even... Farfi--iiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!"   
  
Farfarello grinned evilly. "I didn't throw it, Schuldich. You told me not to throw it."   
  
"But it's in my *pa~ants*!!!"   
  
---   
  
"My *pants* are *wet*," Schuldich huffed, turning around so that Farfarello could see. "See what you did, Farf? *That's* what happens when you shove five snowballs down my pants."   
  
Farfarello eyed the wet material clinging to Schuldich's backside. "So what happens if I put five more snowballs in?"   
  
Schuldich raised an eyebrow. "I take the pants off and hang them up to dry."   
  
"Okay." Farfarello stood and started to walk out of their shared cabin room.   
  
Schuldich turned to follow his movements. "Hey, wait! Whaddaya mean, 'okay?'"   
  
"Wait there. I'll get the snow."   
  
---   
  
Nagi massaged Brad's temples gently. Behind them, their wet parkas and boots were hanging themselves up to dry near a small heater.   
  
"It's not *that* bad, Brad..."   
  
"Yes it is," Brad groaned, taking off his glasses. "I can see it, now... I'll get the amulet, and Farfarello will shove it down Schuldich's pants."   
  
"Brad?"   
  
Brad grunted to show that he was listening.   
  
"...You... didn't really see that... as in... the future..."   
  
Brad turned to look at Nagi, and Nagi stared back at him, wide-eyed.   
  
"...Did you?"   
  
---   
  
"Family's been here since the Gold Rush, y'know," the man rambled on. "Gran'pa built this here cabin just before all the settlers came in. Didn't go huntin' gold, no sir! Not my Gran'pa! He was shrewd, y'see. Started a business as an innkeeper."   
  
Schuldich twitched. They had been listening to the man for almost an hour, under the guise that they were researching the history of the area. The man had been only too willing to talk.   
  
"Hired a couple sweet young girls from British Columbia as maids, and Granna did the cookin'... My pop was just a boy, then, eleven or twelve years old, you know. He helped runnin' chores and deliverin' messages for the post office."   
  
Brad, the epitome of patience, nodded. He knew that it was only a few minutes until they reached their goal. "I understand that most of the settlers hardly found enough gold to pay off their debts in town," he prompted. "How did that... pan out?"   
  
"Pan out!" the man hooted. "That's a good one! Gold panning! Hah!!"   
  
Nagi fought very hard to stifle a sigh. Boredom had long since set in. The man's bad jokes only added to the drear in the room.   
  
Schuldich glanced at Nagi. ~Wanna play a game?~   
  
Nagi wrinkled his nose. ~Depends.~   
  
~I'm going on a camping trip... I'm taking a tent.~   
  
Nagi nodded. ~I'm going on a camping trip. I'm taking a tent and a fishing pole.~   
  
Farfarello pouted, and Schuldich added him to the game. ~I'm going on a camping trip. I'm taking a tent, a fishing pole, and a gaffer's hook.~   
  
Nagi gagged. ~You're sick, Farf.~   
  
Schuldich snickered. ~I'm going on a camping trip. I'm taking a tent, a fishing pole, a gaffer's hook, and a hangman's noose. Hey, Brad--wanna play?~   
  
When he had stopped laughing, the Alaskan man settled back again in his chair. "Well, sometimes when a man couldn't pay in money, he gave furs or skins. Out there lookin' for gold... they ate a lot of moose and deer! Brought the hides back to town for tradin'. Sometimes they'd even get a bit o' gold or jade, and pay with that. I remember once..."   
  
Brad pushed away Schuldich's mental voice. ~Shut up, carrot-top. He's about to tell us about the amulet.~   
  
Schuldich stared at Brad. ~*Carrot-top*?!~   
  
"...Pop was tellin' me about some guy who'd been to a jade deposit. Hacked through a couple blocks o' the stuff, and found hisself a funny lookin' stone. Stuck in the jade, it was. Took the stone back, cleaned it up, and set it in gold."   
  
Brad nodded. "Do you know what kind of stone it was?"   
  
The man scratched his head. "Eh, that's the funny part--no one could identify it. Made a real nice pendant, though. The guy what found it was stayin' at the inn when his funds ran out. Had to give it over to pay for his room and board for the winter, before he could travel back down to the states."   
  
"Fascinating," Brad mused, playing along in his guise. "A stone found *in* a natural block of jade. I'd be very interested in seeing it."   
  
"Would you?" the man asked. "I've got it. Pop gave it to me, along with the cabin, years ago. I like to show it to visitors like yerself." He chuckled and affected an eerie intonation into his voice. "There's still mysteries out in them mountains," he cackled. "Stones from the sky! Hahahaa!!"   
  
Farfarello glanced over at the man. ~...A gaffer's hook, a hangman's noose, a text book, a hatchet, a box of matches, a sleeping bag, and a flame thrower. Hey--that guy's a nutcase.~   
  
Schuldich tilted his head. ~I guess we don't need the matches, any more. Flame throwers are fun...~   
  
Nagi hid his face in his hands. ~*Who's* a nutcase?~ he asked himself.   
  
"Just a minute," the Alaskan man said. "I'll go get the pendant." With that, he stood up, and disappeared into the back of his cabin museum.   
  
~This is it,~ Brad thought. ~We get the amulet, we get back to the cabin, and we leave in the morning.~   
  
~...A box of matches, a sleeping bag, a flame thrower, and a bear trap... Are you *sure* you don't want to play, Brad?~   
  
~Shut up! Shut up!!~   
  
~Bear trap! I should have thought of that one!~   
  
~Sorry, Farf. I'm going on a camping trip. I'm taking a tent, a fishing pole...~   
  
~An aspirin,~ Brad thought. ~I'm taking an aspirin.~   
  
~Hey! Wait your turn!!~   
  
By the time the Alaskan man returned, Nagi had added a bag of peanuts to the list, followed by Farfarello's dynamite, and Schuldich's Magnum.   
  
"Here 'tis!" the man exclaimed proudly. He opened a velvet box to reveal a large, topaz-like stone, set in an intricate gold backing.   
  
Brad nodded. "This is it. Schuldich, muddle him."   
  
The Alaskan man blinked. "Eh... what?"   
  
Schuldich frowned. ~Just a second... A flame thrower, a bear trap, a bag of peanuts, dynamite, a Magnum, Grimm's Fairy Tales, a two-liter container of 18M HCl, and a can of green spray paint... What was I supposed to do?"   
  
The Alaskan blinked as Brad's face turned a interesting shade of tomato red. "I said, muddle him!!"   
  
"Hey," the man said, backing away, "Um... do what?"   
  
Schuldich sighed. "Okay, okay..." He waved a hand at the Alaskan man. "Poof. You're muddled."   
  
The Alaskan man blinked at him. Then he grinned lopsidedly. "Ooh! Look at all the little flying pink lizards!"   
  
Nagi rolled his eyes. "Didn't you use that one, last time?"   
  
Schuldich nodded, pleased. "Yeah... but I *like* that one!" He smiled wistfully. "Reminds me of my days back in Hamburg... good old LSD."   
  
The Alaskan giggled. "Voices! I hear voices in my head! They're singing to me!" He started dancing around the front room of his cabin museum. "I feel pretty, lalala... Oh, so pretty!"   
  
Farfarello stared. "That... that *really* hurts God..."   
  
Nagi covered his eyes. "I'm too young to be seeing this."   
  
Brad picked up the velvet box with the pendant that the Alaskan had dropped. Disgusted, he headed for the door. "Come on. Let's get going."   
  
The Alaskan stood behind Farfarello, and propped his head up on the Irishman's shoulder. "The voices are talking to me," he cackled. "They're telling me I can... fly!" He jumped towards the window, but missed, and slammed into the wall.   
  
Schuldich winced. "That's gonna hurt."   
  
Farfarello looked worriedly at the place where the man had rested his jaw. "That doesn't... rub off on people, does it?"   
  
Schuldich tilted his head. "Why do you ask?"   
  
Farfarello shuddered. "I wouldn't want people thinking I was crazy! Ick!!"   
  
The Alaskan rolled over and sat up. "You're just jealous... because the voices are talking to me," he grinned. "And now, they're telling me..." He got a vicious gleam in his eyes. "Kill again!!"   
  
Nagi spun around, and started marching in a bee-line towards the door. "I am now officially *worried*."   
  
"Kill again," the Alaskan rasped. "You won't get caught this time, we promise!!" He started to crawl towards Schuldich.   
  
"Wah!!" Schuldich screeched, and ran out of the cabin. "It wasn't supposed to happen like *that*!!" He was quickly followed by Farfarello, who slammed the door shut, behind him.   
  
Schwarz stood around outside the cabin, freezing, while Brad tried to contact a helicopter to get them out of there.   
  
"It *is* colder, here, than it was in Anchorage," Nagi admitted. He shivered, and watched his breath swirl in the air in front of him.   
  
Schuldich decided to do the warmest thing he could think of. He grabbed Farfarello, and zipped them both into his coat. He sighed. "Warm at last."   
  
Farfarello was quiet until he noticed something. "Schu... where's your hat?"   
  
Schuldich raised his arms and felt around on his head with his mittens. "My hat!" Low and behold... all he found was hair. "My hair's gonna dry out!!" he wailed. "I'm gonna get split ends!!"   
  
Nagi had found refuge from the cold--holding on to Brad like a lifeline. "Where'd you leave it?"   
  
Schuldich sniffed. "...In the cabin."   
  
They all turned to look at the cabin museum.   
  
"WAHAHAHAA!!!" There was a crash as a model airplane broke through a window, followed by a torn piece of fur. "The Red Baron flies again!! Take that, Snoopy!!"   
  
Schuldich groaned and rested his forehead on Farfarello's shoulder. "I will never do LSD again... I will never do LSD again... I will never..."   
  
Nagi tugged at Brad's parka. "*Please* say the helicopter's on its way?"   
  
"Five minutes from the local air strip," Brad sighed. "Then, back to Anchorage."   
  
"And then home?"   
  
"If not, I'm going to shoot myself."   
  
---   
  
After Fairbanks, Schuldich was much more comfortable with the temperature in Anchorage. "It's not so bad!" he said, standing outside the airport as Nagi unloaded their luggage--much to the dismay of the onlooking airport attendants, who suddenly decided that they had been working too hard.   
  
Nagi watched as three attendants suddenly ran, screaming, from their curb-side positions. "I wonder what got into them?"   
  
Schuldich raised an eyebrow. "You don't suppose a flying duffle bag had anything to do with it?"   
  
Nagi blinked, confused. "Sounds perfectly normal, to me."   
  
Brad sighed. "I'm just glad this is over." He grumbled. "And I hope I never have to visit Alaska again!"   
  
Nagi looked up at him. "Where's the amulet?"   
  
Brad patted one of the front pockets of his suit. "Where I can keep an eye on... Wait a minute." Frowning, he put his hand in the pocket, and pulled out a black, silk handkerchief, and nothing else. He choked. "It's... It's gone!!"   
  
"Nononononooooo!! Faaaaarfii~iiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"   
  
Brad, Nagi, and Farfarello watched as Schuldich danced around in front of their taxi, screaming bloody murder and kicking anything in his way.   
  
"Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!!!"   
  
"Calm down!" Brad commanded.   
  
Schuldich whimpered and stood still. He looked down, behind him. Reaching back, he plucked at the seat of his pants, and shook his leg.   
  
The pendant, covered in a ball of snow, fell out of his pantleg.   
  
"Farfiiieee!!"   
  
Wide-eyed, Nagi glanced back at Brad. "Just like you said...?"   
  
Brad returned Nagi's glance with a calm look, put a hand gently on his head, and nodded.   
  
Then he passed out.   
  
---   
---   
  
I can only hope that this is The End   
  
---   
---   
  
  
  
  
  
Kasey's note of explaination:   
  
I have no explaination. I blame a lack of sleep, too many hours on the internet, and this vision of "Farfcicles--Farfie on a stick", for my actions.   
  
Comments, reviews, critiques, messages with "What the *Hell*?!" in the subject line... anything that lets me know that this eight-page piece of hard-drive filler is being read... is appreaciated.   
  
Thanks for reading!


End file.
